Liars Bar
I wrote Liar's Bar for my Final Theatre Studies Exam. The formatting of the text here isn't fantastic and obviously it loses something when it's just script, but I want this to be here for a long time to show that I once did something worthwhile.
I would also like to add a few dedications
to this work.
To Paul for making Snuffy Roberts live again
To Mandy for bringing more to the role of Violet than I could ever have written.
And Finally to the one person who kept me going without even knowing it. I could never avoid you... even if I tried.
1st Performance : Priestley College
2nd of April 1998
Cast ( In Order Of Appearance )
The Landlord (Mr Snuffy Roberts)...... Paul Blaney
Jeff ......Mike Keenan
Violet......Mandy Harkin
Int Pub
The Pub is completely empty except for a single table with two chairs. The LANDLORD enters from around the corner cleaning a glass.... Like the stereotype that he is. Seedy Blues Or Jazz plays quitely from an unknown source and we are aware of someone coughing.
Jeff enters, He is not the kind of guy you want your daughter to bring home. In fact you wouldn't want your cat to drag this in. He is scruffy and unkempt, and walks very slowly, as if he's waiting for something to attack him.
He sits on the left of the table resting his arm on it. The LANDLORD shows a look of recognition and approaches the table with a bottle of whiskey and a glass. The LANDLORD puts down the glass and makes to fill it. JEFF looks at him and shakes his head.
LANDLORD Ah.... So it's been one of those days has it?
He takes the glass back and puts the bottle in it's place. The LANDLORD then returns to his post behind the bar.
JEFF looks up from the bottle and notices the audience for the first time.
JEFF Hello. You're new ain't you. Well welcome to the wors.....
<Notices the stern look on the LANDLORD's face>
Nicest establishment in the entire of county. With the possible exception of MADAM SARAH'S on the
old High Street.
But then that's not a pub... no...it's er, it's.....<Cough>
This is The Cock And Trumpet , or at least that's what,
<Nods towards the Landlord> ....Snuffy Roberts here calls it. The
general public around here seem to know it as Liars Bar.
Now I wonder why that could be.
LANDLORD It might be because of the type of idle layabout, untrustworthy, Filth that comes in here. I'm telling you this place could have been something ,
JEFF Yeah....... A public toilet if those plans had gone through,
LANDLORD (He Has Begun To Speak Like An Explorer Announcing The Unearthing Of A New Continent)
No.... An upper class wine bar. With all those solicitors, Doctors and young dynamic men.
<JEFF gives him a strange look>
But Instead I end up with a bunch of poor, overweight, foul-mouthed, brain dead, medical experiment
rejects. Whose idea of fun is drinking themselves stupid and then playing skittles with the glasses.
And on top of that, the regulars.
JEFF <Explains> The rugby team only come in on a Thursday.
( The LANDLORD sighs and goes back to cleaning his glass, The Same One.)
You see I only come in once in a while to see how the old place is going and have the odd one. <He takes the bottle and necks a large amount of the contents> And to see how the regulars are.
( During this next section Jeff points out various people who are never seen but are instead assumed to be slightly off stage.)
There's Phil, lovely guy. Never had time for a wife, busy man. Seems to be in here a lot holding
company conferences with his glass.
There's a guy sat over the there that I can never remember the name of. Wearing his work clothes.
Apparently he's missed his last bus.
I tell you. He's missed a hell of a lot of buses recently.
And Brian.... Well the thing with Brian is.......
At this point Violet enters.
She is a smart, stylish young woman. The kind who shops in the city. As Opposed to C&A.
She is carrying a bag and coat in one hand and her hat in the other.
JEFF <To the audience> Jesus, a hat, Classy.
Violet has begun to look quite worried and quickly crosses to the bar, Making a special effort to avoid JEFF.
VIOLET <To the landlord> I'm supposed to be meeting Mr Samson here. But the thing is I've looked around and I can't see him.
LANDLORD <Leans across the bar and whispers to her> Come closer...
VIOLET leans forward with a puzzled look on her face.
LANDLORD <Loudly> Maybe he ain't here. <Straightens Up> Now buy a drink or you won't be either.
VIOLET <After She's Got Over The Shock> What have you got that's local? I'm want to experience the entire southern ambience.
LANDLORD Well I've got this. <He holds up a bottle containing a green liquid>
VIOLET <Peering at it> What is it?
The two men answer together
BOTH Green.
VIOLET Lemonade and lime please.
LANDLORD Certainly Miss. Coming right up.
The LANDLORD get's VIOLET her drink.
LANDLORD Two Forty Love.
VIOLET looks ready to protest, but thinks better of it and hands over the money. She turns to look for a place, but realises that the only one is at JEFF's table. With a pained look on her face she approaches the table.
VIOLET Excuse me.
JEFF Mmm?
VIOLET Is anyone sitting here?
JEFF <Leans back in his chair and inspects VIOLET up and down. He Grins> No love, go right ahead.
VIOLET sits.
There is a silence in which Jeff slowly sips from his bottle, closely watched by the stunned Violet. She looks down at her drink. Picks it up and smells it. Quickly it is placed back onto the table and not touched again.
JEFF So what brings a girl like you into a place as nice as this.
VIOLET I was asked to meet someone here.
JEFF Anyone special?
VIOLET Well yes. My father actually. But I don't think he's here.
JEFF Don't think?
VIOLET Well I haven't seen him since I was a little girl, back in the old town.
JEFF Old town?
VIOLET Barnsley.
JEFF Jesus. Tough break kiddie, but it could happen to anyone.
VIOLET Losing my father?
JEFF Good God no. <Pause> Growing up in Barnsley. <Pause> So what happened.
VIOLET He went to feed the horses and never came back.
JEFF You had horses as pets?
VIOLET Yes
JEFF Where did you keep them?
VIOLET France.
JEFF Jesus, <Swigs From The Bottle Again>
< There is a pause in which VIOLET grows increasingly tense >
VIOLET The trains were awful getting here.
JEFF Really.
VIOLET Yes they took a whole hour to move some leaves on the line.
JEFF Would you Adam and Eve it?
VIOLET looks around to the LANDLORD
LANDLORD <Explains> Believe it.
VIOLET Oh... Well. Then the buses were delayed by heavy traffic because of an accident on one of the roads. I'm surprised I'm here at all.
JEFF Yeah so am I. And frankly I don't have a cook.
VIOLET looks around to the LANDLORD once again
LANDLORD Figure that one out yourself love.
As he speaks this next speech JEFF slumps further and further forward.
JEFF The way I see it Snuffy Roberts the opening hours of establishments like this aren't long enough. I mean how is a man supposed to get nicely drunk in the time allotted with women approaching them and wasting their time. I mean I've not once managed to get even slightly inebriated in this pub in the time allowed. I mean...
Newton finally takes over and JEFF crashes to the floor.
LIGHTS DOWN
SCENE 2
INT Bar
Both VIOLET and JEFF are back in their seats
As the lights fade in we find JEFF and VIOLET in the middle of a heated argument.
JEFF Of course he bloody was.
VIOLET J.F.K?
JEFF Yeah, he lived up on Slater Avenue
VIOLET He was from an respectable American family!
JEFF Nah, Lambeth. Born and bred. <Pause> You should have seen the tears on that fateful day. <Pause> Old women were throwing themselves under buses.
VIOLET humph <Or A Close Approximation>.
JEFF Well anyway, you should read up on these things. They're important.
VIOLET And where do you suggest I find a copy of "The drunken ramblings of a stupid old man"?
JEFF <Shrugs>W.H. Smiths?
VIOLET Looks on in disgust as JEFF continues drinking.
VIOLET Is that how you see the rest of your days?
JEFF What?
VIOLET At the bottom of that bottle
JEFF No, of course not. I'm getting a different bottle in a minute.
VIOLET Well I don't mean to preach.......
JEFF Yes you do.
VIOLET Pardon me?
JEFF Nothing love. Please go on
VIOLET Well you needn't turn to drink because of your troubles.
JEFF Really love. And what do you suggest? A nice bath perhaps? A self help tape.
VIOLET All I'm saying is that you could perhaps find something a little more refined to do with your time than sit in this <Looks Around> Well in this Public House, drinking your life away.
JEFF And what do you do for fun?
VIOLET Oh well many things really.
JEFF Well why don't you try one now and I'll tell you what I think of your 'Refined' activities.
VIOLET Well how about some word association?
JEFF looks at her completely blankly.
VIOLET I say a word and then you say the first word that you can think of associated to my word. And so on.
JEFF Okay. Go for it.
VIOLET Okay <Pause> Wardrobe
JEFF Coat hanger
VIOLET Wire
JEFF Crooked
VIOLET Bent.
JEFF Les Dennis
<Pause> VIOLET looks disgusted.
VIOLET I can't believe you said that.
LANDLORD Well he is.
JEFF Yeah. You only have to watch Family Fortunes. He's camper than Butlins. "You say Les is licking the other side of the stamp, our survey says."
LANDLORD Ding! Top Answer.
VIOLET You stick to your depraved lifestyle. See if I care.
JEFF Look. Do you think I woke up one morning and thought, Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I'm going to piss it all away at the Cock And Trumpet?When this place closes I go home. Alone. Probably have a couple more of these <waves the bottle at her> And wake up tomorrow feeling like a complete prat, but I'll be back in here tomorrow night like clockwork won't I Snuffy Roberts?
LANDLORD Business relies on it.
JEFF And do you know why that is darlin'
<VIOLET shakes her head, Shocked>
Because my life chose this bottle for me and until my life changes I'll be pissing it away into
nothingness.I'm on a road which is as straight as Snuffy Roberts is crooked, so don't try to tell
me that it's my choice love, because the only choice I've got is what colour my next one's going
to be.
VIOLET I'm <Pause> I'm Sorry.
JEFF Don't be darlin'. Just bear in mind that no one in this pub wants to be here. We just have to be.
<Pause>
VIOLET Oh daddy where are you?
JEFF Perhaps you should forget about it.
VIOLET How can I.
JEFF Have some off this <He waves the bottle at her> It helps me.
VIOLET Puts her head in her hands and weeps.
JEFF Let me tell you a story.
VIOLET Not if it's anything like the last one.
JEFF Nah. This hasn't got any dead Belgians, hardly at all. <Pause> Right. I had a daughter once. School age when I last saw her. Just like her mother....
VIOLET What? Her mother was school age?
JEFF Shut up love.
Anyway, I knew that I was going to ruin that little girls life with my problems,
I was heavily into gambling and drinking and I was spending all the money that came into the house
on those two vices. When I came in at night I was knocking her mother around and basically messing
things up in their lives. So for everyone's good, I left.
VIOLET Oh my god. That's so sad.
JEFF So maybe your father left for reasons which you couldn't understand at that age and now he wants
to make it up to you.
VIOLET <Brightening> Yes maybe he does.
JEFF Or maybe he just needs money.
This completely dispirits VIOLET and she stands and moves to the bar.
VIOLET <Turns to the Landlord> Are you sure there are no messages left for Violet Samson
LANDLORD No love and if I had a name like that I'd stop broadcasting it.
There is a long silence in which Violet picks up her bag, coat and hat.
VIOLET What time is the last train back to Manchester please
LANDLORD In an hour. You'll just make it.
VIOLET Thank You, <Pause> If my father does turn up, you'll tell him I waited all night won't you?
LANDLORD Yes Love I'll tell him.
VIOLET smiles thinly, turns and leaves.
JEFF gets up from his chair and walks over to the bar. He leans on it to talk to the LANDLORD.
JEFF You know I never liked the name Violet,<Pause> It was her mother's idea.
LANDLORD So you're her father now are you?
JEFF <Sincerely> Yes
LANDLORD <Unsure> She wasn't was she?
JEFF Nods
LANDLORD Well why didn't you tell her.
JEFF Some things are better left unsaid. I didn't want to come into her life again and present
all the problems that I did before. <Pause>
And besides, she always was a snotty little cow
<Pause> Right what have you got that's blue.....
MUSIC SNIPPET FADES IN LIGHTS FADE OUT MUSIC FADES OUT
THE END!!
(c) Mike Keenan 1998